A Generation ago a woman who went to see her doctor about difficulty in achieving an orgasm would have been called `frigid'. Today, this term is no longer commonly used, because it covers a very wide range of problems - low sex drive, pain or vaginal spasm during intercourse, difficulties in reaching an orgasm or morbid fears of having sex. Some men even say that a woman is frigid when she simply refuses to have sex when he wants it - it is easy to see why the term has outlived its use.
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| Healthy Couple |
The 1953 Kinsey report showed that about 80 per cent of women had at least one orgasm of some sort by the end of their first year of marriage. Unfortunately, they gave no details of how the women achieved it. A recent magazine survey showed that only one out of five of the women who returned their questionnaires could have an orgasm without the help of manual stimulation.
This is not surprising in view of the complicated stimulation women need to get an orgasm during sexual intercourse. In fact, it is surprising that so many women have climaxes without the help of manual stimulation. The position of the clitoris varies from one woman to another as does its sensitivity... Similarly, everyone's body make up is different so the angle at which the penis touches and stimulates the clitoris will vary.
Almost every woman is capable of having air orgasm by masturbating and most women will be able to climax following manual stimulation by their partners, but far fewer women will have orgasms during full sexual intercourse.
Many couples will evolve a technique which puts sufficient pressure on the clitoris during penetration for the woman to reach a climax, or they
are perfectly happy for the woman to achy orgasm only through manual or oral stimulate But, for other couples, serious difficulties arise. In some instances it is a case of 'unfulfilled expectations' - in other words, because b partners expect the woman to have an organ during penetration, if she has difficulty achier it both partners worry that this is abnormal the problem becomes even worse. Both partners are disappointed and the man may feel inadequate and unmanly because he has failed to satisfy partner sexually. In other cases, the woman ma has a severe problem which inhibits her sexual, responses to all kinds of stimulation. Because the couple cannot talk to each other about their difficulty, the situation worsens, and, unless a couple tries to get help, the marriage may crumble.
Why don't women have orgasm during sex?
Although many women feel that there must be something physically wrong with them if they don't have an orgasm, this is very rarely the case_ generally, apart from poor arousal technique (foreplay), the reasons for not having orgasm are largely psychological. Almost all of them are associated with anxiety about sex or orgasm.
Strong religious attitudes and beliefs can affect a woman's chances of climax. Women brought up in a home where parents believe that enjoying sex is `sinful' will often have difficulties in achieving an orgasm under any conditions. Even when they do achieve it, they feel guilty and most of the pleasure is lost. As one woman recalls, `Every time I have sex, I can imagine my mother pointing a finger at me, saying that it's a sin and I'll be punished for it.'
Related to this is the belief that sex is aimed at producing babies and so if contraception is used sex is wrong. Many women do not enjoy sex when they are using any form of contraception for this reason. It is also far from rare to come across 6 women who report having an orgasm only on days ,`of the month when conception is likely.
Parental attitudes, especially the mother's, can 'also have an adverse affect. Women whose mothers had sexual difficulties will often recall; that their mothers told them sex was an unpleasant duty that they would have to undergo for their (husband's sake. These women learn at an early age that sex is something to be feared and find it very difficult to learn to relax during intercourse.
Unpleasant sexual experiences during childhood or in later life may produce fears that are difficult to remove. Sexual assault, interference or 'even seeing a man exhibit himself can often leave a G young girl with scars that make sexual enjoyment “difficult. If a woman is to enjoy sex again she will -often need patience and a great deal of understanding standing from her partner.
Some women fear that if they climax they will lose control, become 'animal-like' and disgust ': their lovers. Fear of losing bladder control will = often contribute to inhibition. Usually all that is required is reassurance that even if the woman: does urinate, it will only be a few drops and there is nothing to worry about.
Worries such as the fear of pregnancy, attempting ding to get pregnant and the possibility of contracting ing venereal disease will also affect a woman's E ability to relax enough during sex: but other more ~ general problems such as money, job and domestic r worries can also prevent a woman from relaxing.
Often, ability to achieve an orgasm is markedly '` reduced following the birth of a child, especially '' the first. Childbirth is a physically exhausting ' experience and often the mother becomes ' depressed for a while after the birth. A new baby in the house will change both the couple's relationship with each other and their daily routine. If the wife has intercourse before she feels she is ready for it sexual difficulties can arise.
The conditions under which the couple has sex are also important. Whether the light is on or off may be crucial for the female partner as well as the male. A man who has poor personal hygiene may turn a woman off sex altogether and can interfere with her ability to have an orgasm. The fear of being interrupted so often a problem when a woman has her first sexual experience, may continually affect her chances of orgasm. Whatever the initial reason for a woman's
Orgasm problems, they can get worse as she becomes anxious about her ability to reach orgasm itself, and anxiety about having an orgasm will make it more difficult to achieve. Some women try so hard to have an orgasm, because it worries both them and their partners that they suffer from what is called `performance anxiety'. In fact, their very strenuous attempts to reach climax stop them relaxing enough to actually achieve it.
Does a partner make problems?
However, it is not only the woman's present and past situation that will affect attaining a climax, her partner is also involved. An inconsiderate partner, who is interested only in his own pleasure, will not stimulate a woman carefully or long enough so that she can achieve orgasm. She may even be repelled by his efforts.
Many men do not know what is likely to `turn a woman on' and since they do not like to ask they often carry on doing the wrong thing or do nothing at all.
What feels nice for a woman varies from occasion to occasion so it is very difficult for a man to guess how best to stimulate his partner. Simple instructions from the woman or, better still, guiding the man by placing his hand over or under her hand, provides a simple and straightforward way of telling him what she wants him to do.
If a man has a sexual problem his partner will often develop an orgasm problem. If a couple are not using manual or other stimulation in their lovemaking then a man who `comes too quickly' (premature ejaculation) will have a great deal of difficulty in giving his partner sufficient stimulation to allow her to climax. The man who has difficulty getting an erection presents obvious problems.
In this situation the woman will often switch off - refusing to get sexually excited - so she will not feel let down if she doesn't reach orgasm. In this way she loses not only her ability to climax but also her sex drive.
Choosing the right partner can be crucial to a woman's ability to orgasm. Research has shown that most women require tenderness, trust and security to get the most out of lovemaking. But there are exceptions to this.
Lisa, for example, only has an orgasm with aggressive dominating men, whom she feels are totally unsuitable as marriage partners. Usually they are married or obviously not interested in having an emotional relationship with her. `I feel it's all right to enjoy sex with them and I do. But for marriage I want someone who is less aggressive.
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Lisa's mother had always told her that she
Should not enjoy sex and that any woman who was no better than a prostitute. By separating men she enjoyed sex with from the men she mi marry, she felt that she was making sure that future husband would not think she was prostitute. Also, if her lovers treated her like prostitute this allowed' her to enjoy sex.
Not `climaxing' - the effects
Caroline and Simon had been married for seven= years. After the birth of their first child, Caroline suddenly found she was losing interest in sex aA was no longer capable of having an orgasm. She and Simon were becoming increasingly irritable towards each other and were constantly row about the infrequency of sex.
Simon said that on the last few occasions t they did have sex he had been having erection problems. He now felt that the problem was par his fault because, `Even if Caroline wants to have sex, I don't have a strong enough erection to satisfy her.'
It may appear a little drastic for a couple to consider separation due to what is, at first glance, Caroline's loss of ability to have an orgasm - but it does happen. This is not usually because of the difficulty itself, but because of the pressures that result from it if the couple do not discuss the problem or seek some outside help.
Caroline's temporary inability to reach orgasm could include any of the factors already mentioned But once the process had begun the effects on the relationship were typical.
After Caroline's return from hospital, Simon began asking her to resume their sexual relations. Although she agreed, not surprisingly, she felt tired and somewhat resentful and she did not have an orgasm.
At first Simon did not notice her resentment but still kept on insisting on intercourse. Eventually, however, he realized that she was no longer having an orgasm, and although he was satisfied, he felt that `... my performance has become inadequate. After all, I'm supposed to be able to give her pleasure - that's part of being a man. But~ besides, I love her and want to give her pleasure.'
One of the most common consequences when a woman does not reach orgasm is that the man feels less masculine. Men, like women, are often taught that performance is what counts in sex and Simon, having failed to `perform' (by not giving Caroline her orgasm), now felt that he was less a man because of this. In the meantime, Caroline gradually began to dread having sex. She was also beginning to worry that the problem would become a permanent one. The more she worried about orgasm the more she dreaded sex - in case her worst fears were proved right. She was beginning to dislike Simon even touching her.
At first it is just frustrating not to have an orgasm, but later the woman realizes that the problem is having an effect on her partner. Often the simplest way to cope with all this seems to be to `switch off' and avoid sex altogether.
In many long-term relationships, the couple only touches each other before they have sex. Since sex has become so distressing, and touching leads to sex, any touching is automatically discouraged. Often for these couples even cuddling and affection dais ear from the relationship.
The man may begin to worry that she no longer has any interest in him as a sexual partner and has found someone else, or alternatively that she soon will start searching for another man. This further undermines his self-esteem and confidence. The woman on the other hand worries that, if she is not having an orgasm (in this way undermining his pride) and is gradually becoming less interested in sex, he will look elsewhere for sexual pleasure.
The relationship can come under a great deal of pressure and, if the couple neither understand nor discuss what is happening, a great deal of damage can occur. Many couples just need to be reassured that the problem is temporary and will work itself out, provided that neither partner pressures the other. If Simon had been more patient and Caroline had told him of her difficulties, instead of simply pretending everything was the same as before, the problems might have been resolved. Instead, Caroline, in an effort to reassure Simon
That the new baby did not in any way change her attitude towards him, felt she had to have sex with her husband. Very often a man tries to avoid rejection. Instead of asking outright or giving clear messages through touch that he wants to have sex, he makes more timid approaches. He hopes that if his partner does not want sex, she will think he has just touched her accidentally and so he will not feel rejected and his pride will not be hurt. If his partner does want sex, he hopes she will respond to his caresses.
Unfortunately, the woman is not quite sure whether the touching is accidental or not, so she often takes the easiest way out and ignores her partner's advances instead of encouraging him. In the case of Simon and Caroline, the couple avoided having sex for over a year. By the time they resumed sexual relations, Simon developed anxieties about his own sexual abilities - which made his problem worse. By now both partners had difficulties and the marriage was in a very poor state.
What could Caroline have done? Should she have pretended to have an orgasm or should she have confronted Simon with the problem and discussed a solution?
What can help?
Many women think that they ought to try and fake an orgasm. However, this is no solution as it then becomes impossible to talk about sex at all, without the woman admitting that she has been misleading her partner all this time. Besides, it will not help her enjoy sex any more or resent it any less.
Discussing the problem will always help. Although it will probably not resolve the woman's orgasm problems, communication can help alleviate some of the strains placed on the marriage.
Education about their bodies and a change of approach, with the man making more realistic goals for intercourse, will help. However, professional therapy would usually involve both partners starting their sexual relationship from the beginning as if they were new lovers.
Starting with a ban on intercourse, the couple would be instructed to massage each other to start to enjoy each other's touch once again (what
Masters and Johnson call senate focusing). The
Woman would be encouraged to touch herself all over her body and from there have her partner touch her and gradually build up to full intercourse when she is ready.
Removing performance anxiety from both partners is necessary for resolving the problem. This applies not only to long-standing relationships but to casual ones as well. It is simply a case of the woman telling her partner what she wants.
Certainly some women may never have an orgasm during sex. However, if the relationship is open enough, and the couple is prepared to use other methods of gaining sexual satisfaction, then there is no reason to go through the difficulties that are caused by the woman failing to have orgasm.
